The Abyss gazes back [Lana tries to write]

CW: mental health issues, suicidal behavior. The latest gig was particularly difficult and Minz talks to the only person willing to listen.

"I don't feel good. And at this point I'm not even concerned about showing raw vulnerability to the person I barely know. Maybe this is even a boon."

Orion rolled on the bed, wide awake. As a psychiatrist, he was always alert; his clients needed him every now and then because night is the time when everything becomes darker. This darkness extends to thoughts and intentions.

Minz… It was different with him. He is like a double-edged sword, sharp and dangerous. However, constant sharpening left the blade incredibly thin, poised to shatter at the slightest touch. This is what happens to people who sacrifice too much but don't have enough support. His brother will never be able to cover it, no matter how loving and protective he is. Orion wasn't sure he had enough strength to face this void, but he felt obliged to try. In the end, Minz wasn't afraid of his demons.

"You know that I will probably switch on my psychiatrist bullshit, right?"

"I think I need it now."

"Voice call then. I know I can't ask to see you, but at least I want to hear you to understand what is happening."

He wasn't against it, thank goodness. Orion already knew how incredibly stubborn Minz could be. But at the same time, this wasn't a good sign. He is probably desperate if he seeks help. And what Orion heard was yet another bad omen. It made his heart sink. It seemed as though he was negotiating for the first time.

Strong winds. Muted sounds of the never-sleeping city. Sound soars high but can't carry enough strength. It can't be. It shouldn't be.

"Where are you?"

"At my favorite place. The rooftop."

"What do you like about rooftops?"

He started softly. He should prioritize listening over talking at this moment. And it may be challenging to communicate with Minz, who is a man of few words. But it's not the first time Orion negotiates with someone like him.

"I am not going to jump."

Hah. He certainly is. The question was very different from the answer. Orion could confront him, but he decided to keep a softer approach.

"I have never seen rooftops as the place to relax, so I want to know what the appeal is."

"I like being far from all of… this. It feels like true freedom, you know? It's finally you who looks down at everyone. And you finally have the freedom to make choices."

"What do you mean by "all of this?" Who looks down at you?"

Silence. Orion didn't intervene, but then he heard something like a wheel rustling.

"What are you doing?"

"Skating. I mentioned that I love the feeling of freedom here. It's almost like flying."

"Is there anything you want to talk about?"

"Straight to the point, then. I am a useless piece of shit, and I don't even know how I agreed to leave the brothel. Yes, I am always welcome back, but wouldn't that mean that I admit my defeat? Everyone told me that I'm not cut out to be an edgerunner. My boss said that this is a waste of my time and potential."

"Why did you leave? What was the point of no return for you?"

"Molfar coerced me. He said I am better than this. As if being an elite escort is something bad."

"Do you enjoy doing what you do now?"

"My team can easily go on without me. They won't even notice my absence. They prefer to have a body count fee. Of course, clients ask to avoid fights at any cost."

"But don't you think that with the body count fee, your team tries to show how valuable you are? They are extraordinary people, each in their own way, but they have high chances for survival without you."

"You haven't met them. Each of them thinks about their profit, and it's the right thing. I doubt they see the value in me. Morgan is right. I should have cared about myself more. Everyone else does not deserve my time and energy."

None of the questions were answered directly, but Orion was happy he could let Minz talk from his heart. It was going in the right direction. Now was the time to bring the counterpoints and to see if he was able to make Minz crack.

"What about your brother?"

"I did my best to give him everything I didn't have. Now he can navigate life on his own. He doesn't need me."

"Not everything is measured with profit or loss. Wolfgang loves you. He will be devastated. And… you know, if you allow me to be a human, not a psychiatrist or a negotiator, for a minute… I have never received gifts, not even for my birthday. You were the first person to think of me and give me something I like. You can't even start imagining how much it means to me. Even if I already had the same book in my collection, it wouldn't matter. The thought behind this and the intention are what make this gift so special. If this city defeats people like you, what is the point of living at all?"

Being unloved to this point was a heavy burden. Orion knew the different side of the same coin—he had quite a lot of attention, but it wasn't love. Minz, though… For him, any kind of attention is love, because the only interaction he ever had with the person who had to love him and care about him unconditionally was fights and verbal abuse. If he doesn't get attention, he feels like he isn't worth anything to anyone. At the same time, he closes up as soon as someone tries to dig deeper. How peculiar is his craving for attention and fear of it.

But it's definitely a breakthrough. Orion heard his breath, shaky and fitful. He just needs to push a little further to ensure that stress finally manifests in the way it should've a long, long time ago.

"I don't give a fuck about your team and what they think of you. And if they think of you poorly, then they are the bloodiest motherfuckers I have ever met. If they don't need you, then be around those who do. Wolle needs you. Max needs you. Molfar needs you. And I need you too. We can think of something. And I… I sincerely appreciate that you chose to write to me, especially considering all the other people you could have contacted. Your trust honors me. I understand that it's not easy to gain."

Minz didn't say a word, but it wasn't silence.

His case wasn't that extreme. At least, he was seeking help, and Orion didn't need to break through walls of unwillingness and distrust. Yet, he was in total denial. Minz could've easily jumped without even realizing the severity of his state. He can't write to Wolf because he should stay strong for him, and he doesn't want to bother the younger with his problems. He can't write to Max, because he taught Minz how to be strong, and crying is considered anything but strength.

Oh, if only someone knew how much bravery and strength one needs to be so vulnerable in someone else's presence…

Molfar lacks the necessary skills to tackle this kind of issue. He is a former military, and his ways are as toxic as the ways of the person who taught Minz to bottle up all his feelings and never show a single tear.

"I will destroy you if you tell anyone."

His voice was still hoarse, but it had its steel back. He was grounded. That's enough. Orion held the sigh of relief; his job is not done yet.

"I would never! It's against my professional ethics. In the end, you know a lot about me, too."

"Do you think there's something wrong with the music?"

"Oh, this band of yours? No, they are simply incapable of damaging your mental stability in such a brutal way. It's your father's deed. I can't carry this burden for you, but I hope I can make it easier. If you like, we can meet somewhere."

"It's past midnight, and I have already taken enough of your time."

"Do you want to see me?"

Orion had to be pushy with this question. Minz always returns to thinking of himself as a burden to those around him. He needs to learn the skill of asking for help. This call was a good first step, though.

"Uh… Do you have a shift tomorrow?"

"Even if I do, I don't care. Once again, do you want to see me? Yes or no."

His stubbornness is back. This is encouraging news. He is doing his people-pleaser bullshit—a bad sign. Before teaching Orion to be sincere to himself, Minz should learn how to be an egoistic asshole.

"Yes, I do."

"Care to see my tarantula collection then?"